Early last year, one week after the death of her husband, Carol Ann came to see us. Friends recommended her to us, and she seemed to ask all the right questions. She wanted to find out how to move all their assets to her name, afford to stay in her house, carry out her husband's charitable intent and gift some money to her children and stepchildren.

Carol Ann seemed levelheaded, but her calm manner masked an uncertainty about what to do, where to go and whom to lean on for advice. She was in her early seventies, youthful and active, but had never made any financial decisions on her own before. Most of all, Carol Ann wanted all the anxiety she was feeling to go away. If she moved her money quickly and changed how she lived, she thought she would be free of the nagging financial uncertainty and inadequacy.

Women like Carol Ann aren't alone. According to the U.S. Census, about 700,000 women are widowed in the United States each year. Working with widows requires training beyond financial planning courses. It requires judgment, patience, understanding and kindness. When working with recent widows, it's helpful to keep in mind what they want, as well as what they need.

What New Widows Want

Although they may not be able to verbalize them, there are many things that new widows want from a financial advisor:

• Family cohesiveness. Advisors must understand that family ties become more important than ever after the death of a spouse. When a widow has young children, she often tries to assume the role of both parents. Older widows often spend more time with grown children and grandchildren, and may even consider moving closer to their children.
  
  Because of the importance of family, advisors should encourage widows to bring their adult children along to meetings, so there will be a more objective set of eyes and ears. Clients can also bring a trusted friend to fill the same role.

• A confidante. Widows are looking for someone who understands what they are going through, someone who will listen to them, take time for them and advise them. They want someone to talk to about their late spouse and their new choices. As an advisor, you can maintain a professional attitude yet still show warmth and caring. Make yourself available to meet them at unusual times or at a place convenient to them.
  
  When having a conversation, show that you hear your clients by repeating their message or reframing it. Be patient and let them speak their piece. Don't impose your views on them, but do offer valuable advice that can help with their decision making. Go beyond financial advice into financial lifestyle. Ask how they want to live, where they want to live and what dreams they have.

• An idea of what she has to work with. After a spouse dies, a widow who has not been involved in her family's financial affairs may search for assets, accounts and advisors, and will call numbers she finds in her husband's belongings in an effort to find information.
  
  
• Help with the paperwork. Old financial records can be overwhelming. One widow I worked with had a guest room filled with filing cabinets and piles of papers that only her husband could navigate. Determining where to begin and what was important was a year-long project that involved home visits.
  
  
• Help screening people. A lot of people want to "help" widows. Determining whom to trust is difficult. Do you know where your clients' advice is coming from? Knowing who these people are should help your discussion.
  
  
• Someone who is not judgmental. A recent widow may be feeling her way around her new world. Don't disparage her thoughts and ideas, or she won't share them with you. Instead, take each idea seriously, explore it and you will get to know her better.
  
  
• A road map for the future. Confidence about the future is the key to independence, and widows' professional advisors can help them gain just that. Many widows sense that developing a road map for the future will relieve them of considerable uncertainty and anxiety.
  
  
• Understanding the grieving process. Everybody grieves at his or her own pace. Some may zip along, while others need a lot of time and help. It's important to determine where a widow is in her grieving process. Planners aren't trained as social workers, of course, but you need to listen to widows as they express their grief.