I've been talking with people who have been discussing the fiduciary issue with Washington lawmakers and staff, debating how to regulate brokerage firms that are even bigger now than when they were too big to fail, offering suggestions on the best ways to protect consumers. They tell me that a lot of people in Congress really do understand the issues involved. But there seem to be plenty who are inclined to make interesting compromises that appear to have nothing to do with protecting consumers from predatory behavior.

After one conversation, I found myself imagining what would happen if our leaders in Washington were asked to regulate the activities of the Prince of Darkness himself, and how that discussion might go.

Imagine that we've invited several of these "practical" congresspeople to a meeting with demons who were lobbying on behalf of the sulfurous netherworld, and also with angels who were hoping that Congress might tilt the playing field in their favor.

Demon: I want to start out by saying that we fully realize that some of the people we represent may have behaved, shall we say, inappropriately in the past. We're fully aware of these mistakes, and are already tightening up our own internal safeguards to make sure that our foul flesh-eating minions don't, in the future, do what they've done as a matter of business routine, since the dawn of humanity. By the way, here's a large bag of money for your reelection campaign.

Congressional representative: I really do appreciate your candor, which is very refreshing in this town. And I want you to know that we're willing to listen to all sides of the discussion before we propose any kind of regulatory structure.

Angel: I'm actually here to speak, not for our heavenly host, but on behalf of the citizens, voters and constituents whose souls are stolen, and all the unsuspecting investors who think they're receiving impartial advice when they're really having their money redirected from their investment portfolios into the corporate bonus pools of the legions of hell. Since this is what they've been doing for roughly a million years, we would suggest that it's unlikely that, no matter what promises they make here today, their behavior is going to change.

And besides, if you're looking for contrition, you might notice that they've recently paid themselves more than a billion dollars in bonuses. Where do you think that money comes from, other than directly out of the pockets of their investors? Do these foul creatures have some other magical source of income that doesn't involve taking peoples' money and moving it into their pockets?

Congressional representative: And?

Angel(confusedly fluttering her wings): And what?

Congressional representative: Isn't this the part of the conversation where you offer us a bri... that is, where you generously contribute to our reelection campaign?

Angel: Unfortunately, in our business model, we aren't taking large wads of money from our customers in sly and undisclosed ways. We actually try to enhance their financial and physical well-being, which isn't quite as profitable. So we don't have money to hand out at every discussion.

Demon: As I was saying, we spirits of darkness believe-as I think everyone does-in the capitalist system of free and unfettered markets, which, broadly speaking, means that anything anybody can get away with should be allowed, and we rely on market forces to correct any problems. If the things we did were really so awful, wouldn't people choose not to work with us? Wouldn't we be out of business?

So in a sense, our very existence is proof that the trillion dollars of destroyed wealth, and capitalism tottering at the brink of death, and the bonuses we paid ourselves out of taxpayer TARP money, really couldn't have been so terrible after all. By the way, here's a bag of money, in case you aren't running unopposed this year.

Congressional representative: You make a lot of sense there. I don't want to get into who's right and who's wrong; what I think we ought to do is reach a consensus that satisfies all parties.

Angel: A consensus? Between the dominions of light and the forces of darkness? Between good and evil? The people over there on the other side of the table make a routine habit of feasting on human flesh, stealing human souls, and pillaging the hard-earned wealth of your voters. Any encouragement you give them would be a total repudiation of your duty to protect the citizens of this country.