When Janice and Ralph arrived at the medical healing center, they were met by a confusing scene. Men and women wearing white coats were walking around in all directions, many of them talking with patients or doing what appeared to be complicated medical evaluations.

Ralph's eye caught one who had a long line of patients waiting to talk with him. The sign said, "Free Evaluation and Professional Recommendations." Free? He jumped in line and waved Janice to join him.

The practitioner was a pleasant man who, oddly enough, was wrapping the blood pressure device around his patients' ankles. When he pulled out his stethoscope, he would apply it thoughtfully to the patient's forehead, nodding with a wise expression on his face.

THE SAME DRUG

Stranger still, no matter what the patients' symptoms were, he always prescribed the same drug. An elderly woman was told that a yearly payment plan for Lunagra would cure her bunions. A gentleman learned that a nightly dose of Lunagra would help him recover from his heart attack. A person with a high fever, who complained of vomiting and diarrhea, was also prescribed a lifetime supply of Lunagra.

While the practitioner applied the blood pressure device to Ralph's ankle, Ralph nervously ventured a question.

"How much is this visit actually going to cost me?"

"Nothing," the practitioner replied cheerfully.

"Nothing?" Ralph could hardly believe his ears.

"When I'm your practitioner, the advice is free," he said with a friendly smile, pausing to glance at the blood pressure reading. "337 over eight and three quarters. It definitely looks like you're going to need some Lunagra."

"What about my health insurance..."

"You may have to dig into your wallet with some of the white coats around here," the healing practitioner said with a snort. "But here, we believe in free service. You just go right over there and sign up for monthly payments for your..."

"But I'm not sure I need anything," Ralph protested weakly.

"Ralph, you're being difficult," Janice broke in quickly.

"I'm not sick. As far as I can see, all he does is recommend one drug, no matter what the problem is. I don't understand how he can feed his family if all he does is sit here and treat people for free."

"Oh, I get paid," the practitioner said. "I make a darn good living. Whenever I sell you some Lunagra, the drug company pays me half of what you pay for it in the first year."

"What?! I didn't come here to get sold something!" Ralph cried out. "What if it turned out I needed some other kind of medication?"

"I'm not licensed to sell you those," the practitioner sulked.

"Maybe we should look for somebody who's a little more professional," said Ralph. He stalked off, Janice following in his wake.

THE FINE PRINT

"That man looks nice," Janice ventured as she noticed a second practitioner. "And he seems to have a very busy practice."

Ralph looked over. There was a long line of would-be patients. At the front, the practitioner was applying the blood pressure system to a patient's upper arm.

"Maybe you're right," he said as they claimed a place in line.

Ralph and Janice were relieved to see that each patient in this line was given a different prescription. As they moved up the line, they were given a lengthy document, which they had to sign before the practitioner would speak with them.

"It looks like a lot of legalese," Ralph ventured, scanning the document with growing perplexity.

"See? Look here, on page seven-the recommendations the practitioner makes might not be in our best interest. Why would something important be all the way back on page seven?"

Later, he noticed a provision that said that the practitioner owed his primary loyalty to his employer, a firm that manufactures medical products and drugs. Some other manufacturers of medical products and medicines might have paid fees and other considerations for the privilege of being on the practitioner's shelf.

There was also a clause stating that you couldn't sue in a court of law no matter how bad the advice turned out to be; the dispute had to go to an arbitration hearing in a venue where the majority of the arbitrators would be industry representatives, and there could be no possibility of punitive damages. Much of the rest of the legal language was indecipherable, but it looked like a blanket apology and disclosure in advance for acting on conflicts of interests. By the time they had finished reading it, Ralph and Janice were startled to realize they were at the head of the line.