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Blogs - A Better Practice
Never Ask for a Referral (Here's Why)
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Partner Insights

Human beings don’t like stressing relationships by saying “no”; in fact, we are hard-wired to agree with and cooperate with people we know or work with. This is how our species has survived and prospered—through a natural tendency to cooperate with those we are connected to. And this is the instinct that coaches and trainers try to activate when they tell you, “Clients who are satisfied with your services will be naturally inclined to make a referral to you if only you will ask.” What’s missing from this analysis is theimportant, two-person aspect of making a referral: there’s another person involved!

This other person is the friend or family member being referred. When you ask for a referral, you’re constraining the choices of two people—your client and the person the client is referring—because the other person didn’t ask to be referred! When you ask your client for a referral, you are trying to cause him to take an action he didn’t choose for himself. This constrains his freedom. In addition,you are trying to cause another person to take an action he didn’t choose for himself. You are constraining the freedom of two other people—and no one likes to have his freedom of choice taken away.

As confirmation, look at your own experience: most advisors who have asked for referrals have had a client offer a name or two and some phone numbers and then add, “Don’t tell them I told you to call.” In this way, the client avoids the double-bind: she can say “yes” to you without violating the trust of her friend or family member. Experience with such “cool” referrals over time has revealed that these types of referrals seldom turn into meaningful business.

Don’t Ask; Educate

Fortunately, there’s a strategy you can use that will inspire clients to make meaningful referrals to your practice without straining either relationship. Let’s review a key dynamic of the scenario I described above: the advisor asks for a referral, and the client feels obligated to provide a name of someone who did not ask to be referred. Essentially, the advisor is trying to control the behavior of the client in order to get something he wants—and no one likes to be controlled.

But what if the friend or family member of the client has a problem and needs to talk to an advisor? If the client has been conditioned to be aware that if a member of her social network has a problem, the advisor can solve it, she can respond effectively and connect the person in need to the advisor who can help. In this case, both the client and the person being referred enjoy freedom of choice, and no one feels any pressure of obligation.

An advisor can always feel free to clarify his position about referrals to clients and educate them on how to make appropriate referrals to the practice. So long as you don’t limit the freedom of choice of either party, you can talk about referrals without fear of stressing the relationship. The strategy is actually quite simple: educate your clients about the value you place on referrals and your willingness to be deployed as a resource to their friends and family members whenever there is a need. Remind them several times a year so that whenever they encounter such a friend, they immediately think of you and take action.

The most effective way to educate clients is at the end of a semiannual review. As the meeting is wrapping up and if the client is pleased with your services, you can safely say the following without any fear of stressing the relationship: “Historically, I’ve done a terrible job educating my clients about making personal referrals. As a result, many of the people I work with aren’t sure how to make a referral of a friend or family member. I am taking a few minutes with every client this year to remind you that if ever you have a concern about a friend or family member and you would like me to become involved, please don’t hesitate to use me as a resource. I consider a personal referral the greatest compliment you could ever pay me, and I would make it a priority to be available to your friend or family member.”

In this way, you haven’t just asked for a referral; you’ve preserved the client’s freedom of choice and defined your values. Instead of stressing the connection, you’ve deepened your client’s appreciation of you as a resource and the value of the services you have to offer.

Ken Haman is the Managing Director at the AllianceBernstein Advisor Institute, visit http://ria.alliancebernstein.com.

(4) Comments
Client LOVE to give referrals when asked in a way that is sincere, non-controlling, non-manipulative, non-stressful, with no pressure, and gives them options. The key is to ask in a respectful manner that leaves the integrity of all parties involved intact. Being specific in your request and being a professional not only shows you are not needy, but gets you true referrals (prospects who have a need for your service), as opposed to just obtaining a list of client acquaintances. Successful Advisors know exactly how to do this. That's one of the reasons why they are successful.
Posted by Max B | Thursday, February 28 2013 at 10:25AM ET
This is such an important topic to building a successful practice it should be a required course for every adviser. Anyone in this profession for more than a year knows that the only truly effective way to attract quality clients is through referrals. All the best practice studies confirm this. Yet, advisers are bombarded with conflicting information on whether to ask for referrals and how to do so from a variety of well known coaches and "gurus" virtually every day. No one convincingly demonstrates whether asking for referrals nets the desired result. Even more important, there is scant information to demonstrate whether asking in the wrong way, such as described in this blog, is destructive to the relationship with the client. For now, all we can do is use common sense and follow the lead of successful advisers whose style is closest to our own. For me, this blog appears to be an excellent place to begin.
Posted by Rich J | Thursday, February 28 2013 at 12:57PM ET

This is a great article! I agree that the old-fashioned approaches to referrals, like:

"I get paid in two ways..." or "If you want me to continue to stay in business..." or "I require my clients to..." or "Would you rather me spend my time working on your accounts..." etc.

do not work, and actually destroy the trust professionals need to build.

On the other hand, there's no harm taking the script you so generously provided and making it more powerful:

"Does anyone come to mind that you think could use my help that you've been holding off bringing up? Let's talk about him or her and see if there's a comfortable way to arrange an introduction." Follow this with "Who else should we talk about?" and you may have some immediate referrals. If not, ask your client not to "keep you a secret" and to remember that as busy as you are, you would never be to busy to help a friend or family member he wanted you to help.

When it's about THEM and their friends and families, asking for referrals works.

The advisor shouldn't even be having this discussion unless he's asked about the value his clients are receiving from him, and is certain they're happy with his services.

Posted by Sandy S | Sunday, March 03 2013 at 5:37PM ET
As a retired financial advisor, and now a business coach, referrals and marketing are topics much more complex than most of us realize.I agree with the general tone of the article, but . . .I know many agents/advisors who are tough as nails about demanding referrals. Others (myself included) are more low-keyed; I find most advisors fit into this category.

An issue I discovered only in my coaching career is this simple maxim: You don't choose your target market, your market chooses you. This is no small feat; most advisors only discover their natural market after many years in business, and even then it is usually an accidental discovery. A rigorous effort should be made to clearly and accurately define those clients who you love to work with - partly because they love to work with you.

If you do this, then you redefine how you obtain referrals. You should be asking for referrals who match your ideal client profile. The goal should be to work with your ideal client 100% of the time.

The challenge: develop a marketing plan which will ultimately have you working with your ideal clients at least 80% and preferably 100% of the time. Any referral program which will help you do this - on a sustainable basis - is the one you should use

Posted by Nick R | Wednesday, March 06 2013 at 10:30PM ET
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