Am I blowing a friendly interaction out of proportion or is Mr. Falmon flirting with me?" a young planner asked me at a recent performance-review lunch. "If he's flirting with me, it's creeping me out and I'm not sure what to do."

Helping young colleagues develop a professional demeanor and manage interactions with clients is as important as helping them understand hedging strategies for a portfolio or developing conflict-negotiation skills for touchy family dynamics. Discussing how to dress and setting socializing rules are just a few of the ways you can make sure everyone in your practice is involved in an ongoing dialogue on ethical issues.

The flirting question is like peeling an onion. How does your role as a trusted advisor change what would be ordinary manners for you? Perhaps you enjoy or tolerate clients who flirt, but is it okay for a colleague, mentor or referral source to flirt with you? How does a firm develop a culture that makes it simple for a team member to navigate all of these potential potholes on the path to success?

DRESS FOR SUCCESS

Society values attractive, well-groomed, personable people. At Abacus, we signal loud and clear that we expect team members to make a great first impression. We also expect a professional image at all times. We take this so seriously that we budget to send team members to a professional image consultant for a wardrobe, makeup and hairstyle review. While we encourage authenticity in personal style, we want each team member to have the opportunity to understand the dress-for-success rules of the 21st century.

Our image consultant, Bryan Manor, starts with the basics for women-save the high heels, open-toed shoes, short hemlines and low-cut shirts for weekend wear. For young men, Manor might recommend a more mature hairstyle or suggest regularly polishing shoes. The magic "before" and "after," when we see the results of Manor's makeovers, is fun for the entire firm.

Many male colleagues have confessed that they avoid conversations about appropriate dress with female employees. My recommendation is to approach this conversation as you would any other career development issue. Your goal is to help her create the career she has designed for herself.

Be specific in your feedback. Say that the skirt you wore on Wednesday was too short for an office environment, or the blouse you wore on Friday was more suitable for evening events.

Share why dress is important. You might say, "I worry that you will not be taken seriously by our clients over 40," or "My concern is that the older men in this office may not seek your advice." Listen to her perspective and establish whether she understands and agrees with your concern. Brainstorm options with her and set a time to revisit the issue, if only to say, "Good work."

OFFICE DISTRACTIONS

Our goal is for clients to have a safe place to discuss all issues that might affect their financial goals. We are passionate about listening and fully understanding what each client is sharing with us. With this 100% focus on the most important client issues, flirting is a distraction.

Flirting helps us all feel attractive. But a mutual "you're attractive" pat on the back can interfere with a candid relationship. Both male and female clients may be less likely to bring up health, family or debt issues if they think these problems will make them less attractive to you. As a planner, you may be less comfortable talking about the hard issues if you feel the client needs to think you find him or her attractive. Remember that laughter, curiosity, engagement and empathy are not the same as flirting.

When you feel a client is flirting with you and you aren't flirting back, I'd suggest saying, "I could be wrong, but it feels as if sometimes our relationship becomes flirtatious." About 99% of the time the client will be surprised and begin behaving differently. You could also say, "Our conversation felt more stilted today. Did you notice that?" In my experience, clients welcome the chance to clarify communication. We expect our planners to address the issue with the client, but not to tolerate discomfort. Abacus would not hesitate to end the relationship with a client who was behaving inappropriately.

THE LEGAL ISSUES

Abacus invites its employment attorney, David Dubberly, to joins us at a staff meeting once a year. Dubberly reminds us to be thoughtful, respectful citizens of the firm. Through simple stories and examples, he leads us to think about how our behavior affects one another.